Fandom: Veronica Mars
Word Count: 1,914
Spoilers: Only through 1x02.
Summary: This is the snark that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Veronica and Logan started snarking, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue snarking forever just because… This is the snark that never ends, etc., etc.
Notes: sarcasticbitca wanted V/L and snark. Except...dear gods! She didn't warn me! Once you set these two off against each other, they will not shut up! And, even worse, this is set sometime soon after 1x02 and I was trying to keep it in canon, so they couldn't even rip off each other's clothes and fuck like rabid weasels the way they obviously wanted to!
Sometimes, I wonder if the world’s out to get me. And other times, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is. Take journalism, for example. Cool class, great teacher, and all I have to do is take pictures and my name appears in print. It seems like a sweet gig, right? Or at least it would if Ms. Dent, despite being one of the best teachers at Neptune High, didn’t have a well-nigh uncanny knack for accidentally giving me the most unpleasant assignments imaginable.
Away assignment number one had put me and Duncan in the awkward car ride that would not end. Uncomfortable quality time with a guy who acts more and more like an extra from the Living Dead each day. And assignment number two? Go on, I’m sure you can guess. After all, what could be worse than spending the evening with my ex? Yup, you got it in one…
“Hey, now, why so glum? I’d think you’d feel right at home with the homely, the needy,” Logan scrunched up his nose in distaste, “the smell of diesel.”
“And here I just thought you’d forgotten to put on deodorant this morning,” Veronica snapped back, slouching low in her seat and fervently hoping that, if she just wished it hard enough, Logan would disappear.
“Actually, now that you mention it, I can see why you’d be uncomfortable.” He proceeded to sprawl further over the bus seat, stealing even more of her already scant leg room. “Compared to the trailer parks you’re used to, a bus like this must seem first class. But at least you’ve got the constant bump-bump-bumping to remind you of better times…with the football team last summer.”
She gave him a mock laugh. “It must seem alien to you, though. Given that Caitlin had to look elsewhere for her bumps.”
He gave her a nicely passive-aggressive smile. “Ooh, casting aspersions on my sexuality. The last resort of the unoriginal.”
She gave him a falsely sweet smile. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but you’re right. Your insults have been a bit repetitive of late. I get the feeling your heart’s just not in it anymore.”
He let out a mock-offended gasp. “Don’t tell me you want to be worst enemies with someone else? Because I don’t think I could take that.”
“Aww,” she rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry. There’s no one on the planet I’d rather not sit with.”
“Too bad the rest of the bus rejected you in advance. But, then, they didn’t want to risk getting the clap.”
“Whereas everyone knows you already have it,” she retorted brightly.
“No need to be testy,” he tisked lightly. “It’s not my fault your girlish fantasies of spending the long, smelly bus ride with Duncan have been thwarted.” He let out a sigh and affected a girly voice. “‘Oh, that Duncan Kane! He’s dreamy!’” He pretended to swoon onto her, and she shoved him away with distaste.
“Don’t look now, but your ambiguous sexuality is showing.” She gave him a smile that was more a scowl. “And, really, don’t you think it’s about time you got over the fact that Duncan just isn’t going to invite you to the Valentine’s Dance?”
“I’m heartbroken. Really, I am,” he said sarcastically, placing one agonized hand over his heart. “But not half as heartbroken as I am that you and your clap haven’t asked me yet, either.”
She shook her head. “If you were looking for a double date for your STDs, you probably shouldn’t have broken up with Caitlin.”
Logan pretended to be shocked and flipped open his laptop, staring at the blank Word document before him. “Let’s see… How to ‘capture the ambience’ of the hard work and sacrifice of the brave volunteers of Slave Huts for the Destitute, hmm… Would you describe it as short, blonde, and irritating?”
“I think I’d prefer to describe it as ironic. Poetic justice,” she replied, opening her laptop. She would never admit it in a million years, but doing her homework to avoid her oh-so-annoying seatmate was a brilliant idea. “Ms. Dent missed the big scoop on this one. Just think of the headlines: ‘Logan Echolls actually forced to do something worthwhile with his pitiful existence.’”
“I can see why she’s got you just taking the pretty pictures,” he shot back. “Words obviously aren’t your thing. You should be careful: There are polysyllabic monsters just lurking in the abyss in wait for you.”
She snorted in disbelief. “And you think I’m the one words run screaming from in horror?” She shook her finger at him and took on a southern drawl. “Didn’t your momma ever tell you never to mix metaphors?”
“Didn’t your momma ever tell you that no one loves a nosy skank? No, wait… I bet she was teaching you how to drink yourself under the table instead. Which, really, is good vocational training for when you need to limber yourself up for the frat boys.”
“I wouldn’t dream of stealing your life’s ambition,” she informed him smugly, leaning into him over the screen of her laptop until he looked uncomfortable, before pulling back.
“You know I’m jealous,” he agreed. “I can’t possibly compete with your raw talent.”
“Why, Mr. Echolls! Was that actually a back-handed compliment?” She fluttered her eyelashes at him.
“Why, Ms. Mars! Only you could possibly mistake the depths of my dislike for any kind of compliment.”
“A girl’s gotta keep her hopes up. After all,” she smiled at him innocently, “you’re just such a stud.”
He threw her a kiss. “Sorry, but I don’t do white-trash.”
“I think Caitlin already established that you don’t do much of anything.”
“Ouch. You’re really hung up on the Caitlin thing, aren’t you? Is it a sort of a ‘skanks of a feather stick together’ thing?”
“Maybe I just like watching you suffer,” she replied sweetly. “And, really, you were the one dating her in the first place.”
He shrugged. “We all make mistakes. Now, who was it that told me that? Oh, right. Duncan.”
“That’s okay.” She patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. “You’ll get over him. And I’m sure one day you’ll find someone who can appreciate you for the complete and utter jerk you really are.”
“And I’m sure some day you’ll find an entire platoon that will more than appreciate the way you are.” He batted her hand aside like he would a buzzing insect.
She smiled and shook her head. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s not wise to piss off Veronica Mars?”
He gasped in mock-horror and pretended to cringe away. “Oh no! The Pint-Sized Menace is out to get me. What ever shall I do?”
“Shutting your mouth might be a nice change of pace.”
He cupped his hand around his ear in disbelief. “Do I hear right? Is today finally the day when the infamous *cough*slut*cough* Veronica Mars is reduced to nothing but a paltry ‘shut up’?”
“Maybe I just got bored since you haven’t been saying much lately beyond parroting back everything I throw your way.” She yawned for effect and turned back to her computer. Damn, she wasn’t going to get any work done on this bus ride, was she?
“Don’t tell me you’re giving up already? The guys on the track team assured me you had better stamina than this.”
“Only when there’s something there to keep my interest up.” She looked him up and down as though he were the most boring thing she’d seen in ages.
“From what I’ve heard, anything is enough to keep your interest up.”
“Then someone who can’t must be a real loser, huh?”
“Ooh, a loser! Look out, ladies and gents. Veronica’s taken out the big guns.”
“At least some of us have big guns…”
“Is that how you lured in first period shop? I’d say I thought they’d have had better taste, but…yeah, I don’t.”
“Oh, yeah. Keep it up, baby.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re really turning me on. Is that the infamous Echolls charm that gets you dumped so very often?”
“Guess I’ve heard right; those lips never do close, do they?”
“Not while—” Her retort was cut off when the bus came to a sudden halt, and for a second she was pitched forward. Only for a second, though. The instant she realized she’d instinctively used Logan’s chest for support, she yanked her hand back as if she’d accidentally stuck it in something filthy.
“I’m touched that you want me,” he taunted her. “Fortunately, I’m not touched in the head to reciprocate.”
Her eyes narrowed and she fought back the urge to growl. Too bad she didn’t have her taser on her. It would be really useful right about now…
“But I’ll be sure to give you plenty of opportunities to ogle me while I’m all sexy and sweaty and working.” He ran one hand up and down his chest teasingly.
She gave him her best ‘oh, please’ look. “Trust me. I’ve seen more than enough of your skinny, pasty, slimy body. It gives me nightmares at times.”
Logan just grinned and looked like he was about to fire back, when a loud “ahem!” interrupted them.
“Ms. Dent assured me you two would actually be working on this trip,” Mr. Lancing said sternly. “That would probably involve at least getting off the bus.”
Veronica fought back a groan when she realized that they’d been so caught up in their little battle of words that they hadn’t noticed the rest of the community service group had already gotten off. And were watching the two of them with the endless gossipy curiosity that only teenagers can have.
“Mr. Echolls?” Mr. Lancing demanded when Logan didn’t get up immediately. “If you’re quite through flirting with Ms. Mars?”
Logan’s ears turned red at the very thought, and he practically dashed from the bus.
Veronica followed less than enthusiastically after him and pointedly ignored the looks and catcalls of the surrounding students.
“Let’s get to work, people!” Mr. Lancing snapped, thankfully breaking up the crowd.
Chaos ensued just long enough for Logan to dare to approach her and grumble out, “I’m interviewing Taylor. You go and take pictures, or whatever it is you do. Just do it the hell away from me,” and stalk off.
And Veronica sighed.
Evidence enough that the universe hates me? I think so. By third period tomorrow, the rumors will have escalated to the point where I blew Logan right in the middle of the bus ride. And the scariest part of all? At the end there, it almost felt like he was flirting with me. I feel the need to scrub down with bleach just thinking about it.
Of course, that’s all only half as bad as it gets. Because, unless I manage to make a buddy amongst the self-righteous who think that by spending a few hours a week doing menial labor they’ll somehow alleviate just a little bit of the guilt that their parents hire and fire poor single mothers at random and that they, themselves, haven’t earned a damn penny of the trust funds coming their way, guess who I get to sit beside the whole way back?
Yup, you got it again.
Original post is here.